Doctors Humor 1

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1.
Doctor:  I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient:  Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor:  The lab called with your test results.  They said you have 24 hours to
   live.
Patient:  24 hours!  That's terrible!  What could be worse?  What's the very bad
   news?
Doctor:  I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

2.
Patient:  I'm in a hospital!  Why am I in here?
Doctor:  You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient:  What happened?
Doctor:  Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.  Which would you like
   to hear first?
Patient:  Well...  The bad news first...
Doctor:  Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient:  That's terrible!  What's the good news?
Doctor:  There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your
   slippers (zapatillas).

3.
Doctor:  I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell
   first?
Patient:  Do begin with the bad news, please.
Doctor:  Alright.  Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife
   has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.
Patient:  Good grief!  What's the good news?
Doctor:  The good news is that there is no more bad news.

4.
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor
comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor:  Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy:  Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor:  You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy:  And the bad news?
Doctor:  You have Alzheimer's disease.
Guy:  Thank God.  I was afraid I had cancer!

5.
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor
tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient:  Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor:  You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient:  OH NO!  That's awful!  In two years, my life will be over!  What kind
   of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor:  You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to
   forget everything I told you.

6.
Patient:  My hair keeps falling out.  What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor:  A shoebox.

7.
Patient:  Doctor, you must help me.  I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep
   losing my temper with people.
Doctor:  Tell me about your problem.
Patient:  I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!

8.
Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient:  Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor:  Next!

9.
Patient:  Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.  I can't remember anything!
Doctor:  So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient:  What problem?

Doctor:  Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient:  What pills?

10.
Nurse:  Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named 
Brown.
Doctor:  What does he call his other eye?

11.
Patient:  Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor:  Nothing.

12.
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor:  Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient:  I wanna second opinion.
Doctor:  Okay, you're ugly, too. (feo)

13.
Patient:  Doctor, I have a problem.  I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor:  You should cut down on drinks.
Patient:  I don't touch a drop.
Doctor:  You should cut down on smoking.
Patient:  I don't smoke.
Doctor:  You should stop taking drugs.
Patient:  I don't do drugs.
Doctor:  You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient:  Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor:  In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and
   find a couple of girlfriends.

14.
Patient:  Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller:  You certainly do.  This is a bank.

15.
Congratulations, Mr Brown, you're in great shape for a man of sixty. 
Pity you're only forty.

16.
Doctor:  What seems to be the trouble? (problema)
Patient:  Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor:  What seems to be the trouble?

17.
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon):  Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon:  Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.